thoughts

I just re-discovered something about myself today.

I cry most easily when I am angry.

So weird, huh. But it's true. When I get very, very angry, it becomes very, very hard for me to control myself. When I get very, very angry, I don't just release a long spew of angry and hurtful words. No, I do more than that. I cry. Kind of violently, if I may say so myself. XD

The issue was something very small. It was not all my fault. But neither was it all his fault. What got me angry was the shouting. No, teachers or figures of authority shouting at me doesn't make me angry (actually, it can sometimes make me want to laugh). You see, what they say can be as unjust as they like, but I don't really care about them, so it does not affect me as much. And when people like that are scolding you, it's not a two-way conversation.

But when it's a phone call, it becomes a conversation. And then it leaves you with no room but to respond. In this case, anyway.

Imagine a person talking very impatiently on the phone. You do your best to keep youu voice level down and not throw your ugly face because there are dozens of NYJCians around you. But the voice level of this caller just keeps rising by the second. Over something so dumb and so trivial. He is almost completely blowing it on the phone. And for what? Over a dumb and trivial matter.

It is_very_difficult for me not to get very, very angry in this case.

Not JUST because he is angry over a dumb and trivial matter. Not just that la. It's also because he is taking out his anger on me. It is not_my_fault that he had a bad day at work.

I understand. I empathise. I know that your irritance level is rocket high. The slightest stupid annoying thing or misunderstanding can make you blow your top. I know. I understand. I feel that way a lot too. So often now I come back from school with a terrible urge to maul the nearest thing in sight. Thing is I don't. And if I did vent on others, I feel bad and apologise for it afterwards...

Maybe you can't control your frustration. I know, I can't control my anger too. I must try harder. I want everyone to know that you should never, never take out your anger on others. It is terrible. In inflicts a whole lot of pain. It gets the other party upset. Before you know it, you have a full-fledged quarrel on your hands. And over what? Something extremely stupid and trivial and childish.

I felt extremely sucky. I showed my ugly unsmiling buay song face to a nice classmate as I brushed past. He didn't deserve to see an ugly sight like that... I showed it to a lot of people as I walked past too...

Know what, I think I got so terribly upset because it was my father shouting damn loudly at me. I have been screamed at by my mom dozens of times and not feel anything, but to hear it from my father is really huo shang jia huo. Dunno why. Come to think of it, only my parents can make me cry like that. Never anyone else. Why?

Sigh, an almost-good day is ruined. It is okay now, though. We are on friendly terms again. Lol, I'm talking as though me & my dad were once enemies or something o_o Maybe I should look on the bright side... Some kids live in mortal fear of their parents and do not dare to utter a single word in retaliation towards them. At least I am sort of 'allowed' to express my anger and hurt in words.

Then again, words are the most effective kind of weapon ever. Especially when you're angry. I remember someone once said that if you're angry you should never say anything. What comes out are hurtful words. I agree.

I will try to control my anger.

Aiya, what the heck is the purpose of this entry!? pointless.