Not Waving But Drowning

Nobody heard him, the dead man,
But still he lay moaning:
I was much further out than you thought
And not waving but drowning.

Poor chap, he always loved larking
And now he's dead
It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,
They said.

Oh, no no no, it was too cold always
(Still the dead one lay moaning)
I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning.

~Stevie Smith

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Isn't it a pity that we may never see until the deed is done and it's too far late to throw out that float?

It's a starker, nearer truth than you think.

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Early this morning I hit upon this statement:

"I wished I cared less."

5 hours later I realize how impossible and how selfish that thought is.

It brought tears to my eyes today. For the first time in a long while I seriously contemplated how it all felt. And then I realized that though I may try to imagine the worst, that cannot come close to the real thing. Because I have never been through it before. Nobody wants to suffer. But sometimes I wish I suffered more so maybe I can understand how you all feel. Of course this is impossible. And so I no longer know what I can do. I guess all I can do is offer my shoulder and try to ease the burden. Even though I guess it may never go away. We are poles apart. Me and my frivolous little world of materialism and childish girly fancies and childish complaints. You and your grown-up, cynical world. My suffering, psychological suffering though it may be, is not worse than yours.

But today I have found some true Heroes. They are not celebrities. They are no Nobel Prize winners. They are not musicians, they are not politicians, they are not artists, they are not saints, they are not Talented People nor Rich People nor Beautiful Charismatic People. Not Albert Einstein, not Bill Gates, not Leonardo da Vinci, not Jay Chou. These heroes are everyday normal people. They are everywhere, though you may not know it. They are left and right, up and down, across the street or right beside you now in your classroom. And their situation is much worse than we can ever hope to imagine. Putting yourselves in their shoes can only take you so far. But I tell you one thing. They win my respect and my admiration because some of them, SOME of them have survived the trauma and the hardship and the suffering. They still meet with adversity and obstacles, because no one doesn't come across them. But they can pick up the pieces and move on. They know how it is like to cry, and they know when and how to do so. But most of all, they also know how to smile. Although the scars will never fade, they still know how to live, how to smile. They are strong.

Me? Hm. I don't know. I don't know what God has in store for me. I may meet with a disastrous fate or I may not. I wouldn't know. But I now realize what a tough, tough, tough and cruel and complicated world we live in.

But we live on. And I'm not going to pretend that life is Beautiful and life is Easy when the reality is obviously the reverse. We should not distance ourselves from this reality anymore. And I'm going to care. What I shall not care about, I think, is how people view me. That is not important anymore.

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We shall not throw pearls to a swine.