maybe it's PMS

WARNING: MUCH EMO-NESS AHEAD. DON'T READ IF YOU'RE NOT IN A MOOD TO BE ANNOYED.

"A collection of masks rather than a character." If this is what can be said of Edgar, then I suppose this can apply to me as well.

Maintaining so many masks is hard work, you know? It's physically and mentally draining.

My blog doesn't even reveal a QUARTER of how I really think and feel.

I suppose now it's time to start.

Sometimes I DON'T want people to know how I really think and feel. And at other times it's because there is NO SUCH THING AS FREEDOM OF SPEECH. I shoot people (pun NOT intended), I get shot down too. Especially in the 'society' I live in.

Oh, well, I think it's about TIME for me to stop caring about what people think of me and start living up to GOD'S expectations of me.

Bitching is universal, man. We live in a really bitchy world. Do you think I have not the resources to be every bit as bitchy as EVERYONE ELSE? I can drip venom if I want, I just want to bao chi my 'dao', 'guai gia', 'mugging', 'sweet and innocent' xing xiang, can or not?

Ah, survival.

Actually I think I'm relatively more silent than most people already la.

I somehow think that bitching in moderation is good for health.

And if there's anything I've learnt from all this, it's to SHUT MY TRAP.

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Yinghui, I seriously need to borrow your copy of 'THE PURPOSE DRIVEN LIFE'. I need to take a look at that section you pointed out to me some time ago. You may not know it but it really made me think... and I'm thinking a lot now. (Which is usual, I guess. Even though I seem like a RETARD to most people.)

When I was younger I really did not know how to cherish my friendships. I picked fights over mundane things when I was in primary school because of my blatant self-righteousness back then. I did many many bad things. I lost many many friends. In secondary school I let a best friend drift away too. I still see her every week but I can no longer find anything to talk to her about.

I'm really, really afraid of losing my friends now. So, so, so afraid that even when I feel that I'm being stepped upon, or when I'm being treated like a DESERTED PORT (ie. I listen to you for a while and you depend on me and when the trouble is over you just WALK AWAY), or when you're simply not SENSITIVE, or INTERRUPT ME WHEN I'M TALKING HALFWAY, or when you give me half-hearted responses...

I don't say anything.

Do you know how hard it is for me to open my mouth? I am not verbally eloquent in any way. I'm so proud that I don't dare to show you when I'm feeling sad or when I'm imagining ridiculous things. My brave and smiling front works everytime. Too successfully, in fact.

Hey. I really love you, do you know that? And I want to tell you some things. But I am such a coward that I do not dare to start up a conflict. I'm bloody weak la.

So much for the strong front.

'INSECURITY' and 'PRIDE' don't go together... or so you think.

Because these two make up ME. And I am NOT proud of this.

Can you not forget that I am every bit as sensitive as you are?

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I'm ashamed to admit this, but I can forgive easily and yet be unable to forget... which is not complete forgiveness in the first place, ne?

I am stubborn in my own way too?

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I know that time passes and people drift apart and we are not in the same circle of friends anymore. I saw it coming and I accepted it. I can accept that we drift apart. But why do I feel that we've drifted apart to the extent that to you, I'm someone living oceans away already?

Maybe it's just over-expectation on my part again. I've treasured our bond and our short time spent together deeply. But I wonder if these things mean anything to you anymore. It makes me so sad because you're still really important to me, pal.

Maybe I'm just over-sensitive?

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I made a seriously bad, bad, BAD choice last year. I thought I would be happy, but before I knew it, everything crumbled into a nightmare. I admit I was a contributing factor to the suffering la. But it's RIDICULOUS, UTTERLY RIDICULOUS, ABSURD, ANNOYING AND COMPLETELY CRAZY that this nightmare that has yet to end.

Where is your pride? Where is your dignity? Do you BEG and do you CRY? Are you fit to call yourself a man?

It is too late for regrets. God let this horrible mistake of mine happen for a purpose. I have learnt my lesson. Thank God.

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Smart my ass. I'm one of the most stupid people to walk the planet. Or at least, I hope I've risen somewhat among the ranks. I can safely presume that my eyes are finally WIDE OPEN, for the first time in my life, and that I have become much more sensible.

I absolutely love my dearest friends. You all know who you are. I really count myself very fortunate to have you all. =)

I think in the end all I really want to be is a good friend. I'm sorry for having said all these things, but for the first time, I'm saying what I truly feel... If I haven't been a good friend in some way or other, if I have been a failure in some way or other, I'm sorry. Please don't ever doubt me even when I don't contact you or find myself unable to open up to you. Please don't.

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OMG I just emo-ed SO MUCH!!!!! *dies*