Not Waving But Drowning

Nobody heard him, the dead man,
But still he lay moaning:
I was much further out than you thought
And not waving but drowning.

Poor chap, he always loved larking
And now he's dead
It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,
They said.

Oh, no no no, it was too cold always
(Still the dead one lay moaning)
I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning.

~Stevie Smith

-----------

Isn't it a pity that we may never see until the deed is done and it's too far late to throw out that float?

It's a starker, nearer truth than you think.

----------

Early this morning I hit upon this statement:

"I wished I cared less."

5 hours later I realize how impossible and how selfish that thought is.

It brought tears to my eyes today. For the first time in a long while I seriously contemplated how it all felt. And then I realized that though I may try to imagine the worst, that cannot come close to the real thing. Because I have never been through it before. Nobody wants to suffer. But sometimes I wish I suffered more so maybe I can understand how you all feel. Of course this is impossible. And so I no longer know what I can do. I guess all I can do is offer my shoulder and try to ease the burden. Even though I guess it may never go away. We are poles apart. Me and my frivolous little world of materialism and childish girly fancies and childish complaints. You and your grown-up, cynical world. My suffering, psychological suffering though it may be, is not worse than yours.

But today I have found some true Heroes. They are not celebrities. They are no Nobel Prize winners. They are not musicians, they are not politicians, they are not artists, they are not saints, they are not Talented People nor Rich People nor Beautiful Charismatic People. Not Albert Einstein, not Bill Gates, not Leonardo da Vinci, not Jay Chou. These heroes are everyday normal people. They are everywhere, though you may not know it. They are left and right, up and down, across the street or right beside you now in your classroom. And their situation is much worse than we can ever hope to imagine. Putting yourselves in their shoes can only take you so far. But I tell you one thing. They win my respect and my admiration because some of them, SOME of them have survived the trauma and the hardship and the suffering. They still meet with adversity and obstacles, because no one doesn't come across them. But they can pick up the pieces and move on. They know how it is like to cry, and they know when and how to do so. But most of all, they also know how to smile. Although the scars will never fade, they still know how to live, how to smile. They are strong.

Me? Hm. I don't know. I don't know what God has in store for me. I may meet with a disastrous fate or I may not. I wouldn't know. But I now realize what a tough, tough, tough and cruel and complicated world we live in.

But we live on. And I'm not going to pretend that life is Beautiful and life is Easy when the reality is obviously the reverse. We should not distance ourselves from this reality anymore. And I'm going to care. What I shall not care about, I think, is how people view me. That is not important anymore.

----------

We shall not throw pearls to a swine.

pure snow

Ms Darrell displayed a set of disturbing photographs to us during GP lesson, and a blog entry Meifeng printed out quite traumatized me. The blog owner was part of a 'anorexic' webring, and she kept on raving about how overjoyed she was to be shedding kilos. -_- She joined an anorexic webring so obviously she KNOWS she's anorexic. And yet she's still so delighted about it. Hello la, how can you be beautiful when you look like a freak with your ribs jutting out enough to act as an umbrella for the rest of the lower part of your body? Multiple organ failure? Who asked you to be so retarded? Okay la, that was mean. I understand it can be a psychological thing, but it just baffles me that you can be happy about being SICK. SERIOUSLY SICK.

Ooo I shall stop punning. Anyway these people need help...

I am really a very, very Lit person. -_- And I am just getting weirder and weirder. Miss pally-wally because she's 'weird' like me. So happy that we chit-chatted on the phone yesterday.

We had three Synergy rehearsals today. I starved for NINE hours. Plus NY Guzheng really sucks... But I had fun... I love Shuyi and all the rest. Really really love them all. I will miss NY Guzheng, even if we really suck. Hope everything for Synergy goes well.

----------

(Monday)

My mom noticed this. Everyday when I pile into her car after school, I tell her any one of the following three things:

1) I want to shit.
2) I want to pee.
3) I want to sleep.

Basically this just goes to show how UNexciting Nanyang is. Not to mention that the meaninglessness (I don't care if there isn't such a word) of all it totally drains us of any energy. I have no idea why.

Saw a car with license plate ending with "4444C". It was just about the most interesting thing that happened to me today. I think the car driver is cool.

JAWZZZ XVII

Aiyoyo. Have been so so tired these few days. I'm sleepwalking into school everyday. Thankfully I've got my classmates to hype me up so that by the middle of the day I'm not so dead anymore. Synergy is taking up so much of my time...

Monday's rehearsal sucked but I dunno why, I enjoyed Wednesday's one. Wednesday's one was TIRING. Yesh it was exhausting. But I managed to have quite a nice time actually. Guzheng people really manage to brighten up my day. I enjoyed going crazy and singing 'AT THE BEGINNING' in all my corny voices with them... and acting lovey-dovey with them too... and without that bitchy instructor around, there is no stress. So, yeah, I was really quite high through the rehearsal. And you should have seen Lye x2 and I chiong for the buffet. ^_^;;; oh, kept running into Fiona + Candace + Cui too! So quite happy. And Vinny kept on smirking and shaking his head at me from the seats. Dunno for what xp

At the end of it all (we were like the LAST CCA to be dismissed -_-) we had a meeting at the fitness corner 'under the stars' (only there WERE no stars). Actually it was quite a nice feeling to have a meeting out in the dark. If we weren't almost arguing over attire and SHOES for the performance, and if we weren't all shagged (HAHAHA) from the rehearsal, I think we'd all have liked it very much indeed.

(SIDE-TRACK: MY DADDY FED ME CHOCOLATE!!! <3)

Still, weariness creates a great strain on my nerves. I'm very easily irritated and hot-tempered these days... Must keep my temper in check so I won't keep saying things that I regret. Which sucks.

I realized that it takes really quite a bit of time for me to get very angry with someone to the point of really disliking them. So once that happens, the person stays in my black book for really long la. Yeah, guess I'm just not a very 'forgetting' person... I forgive easily, but I don't ever forget. (If you don't forget, does that mean 100% forgiveness?)

----------

oh ya, the JC1 Dragonboaters (those that helped out at Synergy anyway) are really quite NICE. YES. So unlike OTHER J1s who ARE disrespectful to their seniors. See, I'm not over-generalizing that all J1s are disrespectful to their seniors after all. =)

Had this debate on 'respect' during the q&a session for council nominees (I think they are all terrible) today. OUR CLASS WAS LOUD. Really loud. =P Can't believe I belong to such a zany class. I'm thankful that I decided not to skip it after all, it was really entertaining. We ARE a bit mean. Still... XP

Ay! Had a good many laughs (and sniggers) today (at the expense of the poor council nominees). Oh well...

----------

(What a world it is, we have to change who we truly are and adopt a new set of behaviours to survive. But I guess it's also true that this is a test, a test of true strength.)

----------

I NEED MY SLEEP. Was planning to finish_all_my homework by Friday so that I can slack during weekends, but I guess that's not really possible now. I don't even know what I come to school for. It's so unproductive to come to school. Really meaningless. Everything is meaningless...! (Ecclesiastes)

Today I ran 2.4km! And am very happy because I beat my record. And I didn't stop running for all the 6 rounds! A first for me!

And the run snapped me out of the sleepwalking state. w00t! Guess it's really true that sports make your mind more refreshed (though not the body).

Plus I met Euni & Todds for lunch. <3 so long time no see already.

---------

Okay, so basically I'm pretty happy the whole of today. A first. ^_^ Of course, I had to be reminded of_other_things, specifically, one very happy-sad thing, but I'm alright. It feels great to be alright. Thank God!

Anyway, most of my classmates actually_know, and I didn't realize until now. Aiya. I shouldn't care already. But wahlao, how come I appear so dao to them? To the extent of being dubbed ICE QUEEN lor.

----------

Of course I regret the choice I made back then. Of COURSE I regret - but then again, it's too late for regrets. I can only hope it serves as a learning point. I learnt my lesson. Have you?

----------

JAWS XVII.

(No la, I don't really take note of the no. of shark-bite incidents that happened in NYJC library. Too many happened le. I just like the no. 17. Jiunana. Hohoho.)

Jian Xuan, Chey, Shave, Aileen and I were sitting at the area next to the computers in the lib, happily bitching crapping away when the shark decided to come and bite us. It happened twice. The first time, we girls 'zao-ed' and left JX there to shift the 5th chair back to its original position. (For some insane, retarded and unfathomable reason, the shark only wants FOUR, no more, no less armchairs at each round table.)

The 2nd time she came to chew us out, we were all sitting there.

"I ALREADY WARNED YOU ALL JUST NOW, WHY DID YOU SHIFT IT BACK AGAIN..." etc.

So Jian Xuan began by dragging back his armchair. Outrage was clearly expressed on the shark's face (with we girls trying like MAD to suppress our laughter. Yes we were laughing through the whole thing. It's really very very funny and ridiculous la.)

"HOW CAN YOU?! DO YOU KNOW THAT YOU CANNOT DO SUCH A THING?"

"Huh? Then you want us to pick up the chair and put it back...?"

I forgot her response la. I only remembered that the whole situation was really entertaining even though we were being scolded. And yeah, we continued to laught the whole time with the whole lib staring at us. Aiya, any scolding by the shark is entertaining lor. SOmetimes I can't wait to bump into her in the library, so I can piss her off (without really doing anything) and get thrown out of the library. It's really quite fun. (I'm not kidding. She amuses me SOOO much. <3 her man.)

Anyway, I've come to a conclusion!!! SHARK LIKES SOMEONE FROM BBALL!! Cause there were a bunch of bball guys in the area, they had FIVE (or more) chairs pulled up and so many people crowded around there and shark didn't bite them at all. Wahlao, she is so biased can. An Oreo to anyone who can guess correctly who it is! <3

Okay, so Chey and I decided to spite her by purposely drawing up extra chairs to the table and fleeing the library. Our master plan failed because someone goody2shoes decided to save our asses and removing one of the chairs. Saaaaad.

(Maybe you'll say we are very childish, but what can we do? School life is THAT boring and sickening. We have to find some form of amusement in our 'meagre existence'.)

Please Hear What I'm Not Saying

Please Hear What I'm Not Saying

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
for I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
masks that I'm afraid to take off,
and none of them is me.


Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,
but don't be fooled,
for God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well
as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command
and that I need no one,
but don't believe me.
My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.


But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope,
and I know it.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself,
from my own self-built prison walls,
from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to, I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,
will not be followed by love.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me,
that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.


So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,
with a facade of assurance without
and a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I tell you everything that's really nothing,
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can't say.


I don't like hiding.
I don't like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings--
very small wings,
very feeble wings,
but wings!


With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator--
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to.


Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach to me
the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.


Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and I am every woman you meet.


Charles C. Finn
September 1966

give thanks

Think there are many, many things to give thanks for. Really.

You really shocked and terrified me today. It just suddenly struck me how fragile life is. And how close death really is to all of us. I have been so naive to assume it can't happen to any of us.

There are some people who are not so fortunate; people who never got to learn an important lesson.

I don't believe that anyone is truly useless and anyone deserves to die. Maybe I'm really too soft-hearted. But these are my true feelings. I'm a believer in redemption. You see, it all boils down to the individual's attitude, and that's my final stand.

But I'm also glad that you put your trust in me and confided in me. I am sorry I was not there for you last year. I am sorry I didn't know what you were going through. I promise to be here for you now.

Yes, there are many, many things to give thanks for.

Today was actually a really happy day. =) It felt a little productive. If only I could focus more on my lessons. Nonetheless, it's gratifying that my classmates are becoming cuter. Really. And I skipped afternoon PE, so I feel really shuang. AND I went to hang out at Macs (and then the soya bean place next door <3) with moon rainbow sky, which really put a nice end to a long day.

(We have a new PW task!!)

My mom is still as unreasonable and paranoid as ever. She still pisses me off on a regular basis but when she's not, I can tell that her mood is so much better now. She is sooo cute sometimes. I think I've become mature. I know I have to listen to what she has to say now. I know how to brighten her day and let her not always be so angry.

I went out with her to Bugis yesterday and thoroughly enjoyed myself. =)

(I hate shopping for slippers. I went from OG Somerset to OG Bugis to Bugis Seiyu to look for my beautiful pair of slippers. But it never had my size or the colour I wanted. So irritating! At least when you buy clothes it's okay to upsize or downsize by 1 unit la... T_T)

'ZHEN DE' - Zhang Shao Han

very nice song!!

Today I realized that going to school is really pointless! Presentations for Lit were cancelled, I wasn't paying attention in Econs and GP, which means I only spent a relatively productive time in Physical Geog lesson.

I have decided that I really_don't_like_Human Geog.

Oh there was afternoon PE today. Pointless. The gym is quite fun. But PE is still pointless!

it's a weird world.

我知道我变了. 变得连自己是谁都分不清了. 而且, 变的不只是我的内心某处. 我对你也变了... 我们之间变了...我也不知道为什么...

最近也不知道在想什么.唉. 而且我的人就是这样, 总是说错话, 真心话也时常逼不出来.

没有任何东西是可以停止不变的. 我知道的. 但如果我的改变, 行为, 疏忽曾让你感到心痛, 失望, 对不起...我的朋友. 我真的不要这样的.

'永远'存在吗? 我不知道(可见我不知道的东西太多了!), 但是我不管如何, 你一定得相信:我随时都会在这儿等着你.

好想念过去的时光...

<'EMO-NESS'完毕.>